I am kind of like a planet knocked off its axis. I'm revolving around all these things, pulling all the wrong people into my orbit. And why? Why why why why, I ask? I know it's because I fucked a few things up, and fucked a few people over, and now it's coming back to me in the most annoying rush of angry water and high winds.

But, still. I redeemed my errors as best I could. I said "sorry" where I needed to, I re-established what I never should have cast away (thank you thank you thank you, you are my light, darling). I got past the bullshit with one of you, and finally dove in to what never should have been so difficult to begin with. We're going to be okay, you and me. And then there's those gorgeous, gorgeous bests that I have who are just... friendship with you guys is an everyday reward. It's so sappy, and so mushy, and my mainstream readers are going to vomit, but you really have shown me what true friendship entails, and it's so much more than what I knew before. I trust you, I trust you with my everything, and even when you're thousand of miles away, it's perfect. With you, it's just being, and god, it's rewarding.

And then there is my relationship status, which is like a ping pong ball that I am ready to grab and smash with a hammer. This mess is breeding an endless self-pity party that revolts my brain cells. You either like him or you don't, and then you move on to the next one, and repeat. It's not that difficult, really, but somehow, I complicate the most simple things to the nth degree. All I know is one of you--- you make the words come out of my mouth so smooth that I have to double check that it's still me talking. And that's really attractive, actually. (PLEASE UNIVERSE, LET ME HAVE THIS ONE. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.) Maybe I'm simply attracted to words and quirks and eyelashes, but not people? Is that possible?

Finals suck. Is there any other way to explain that? No. Finals suck, finals suck, finals suck. They suck on top of their epic suckage. They are raped with their own fail. They fail in ultimate, epic proportions. I could go on for hours, but I think you all have the general gist, yeah?

The novel manuscript has hit 135 pages. And that's still without a single completed chapter. It's just scenes and scenes and scenes, piled on top of each other as orderly as possible. My goal is to have the first ten chapters done by August. That's a halfway point. I could be published by the time I turn twenty-two at this rate--which would be both fantastic and terrifying. Don't worry, Em, I'll give myself enough time, I promise.

Smaller, closing rants, in no particular order: the "soundtrack" to Barnes and Noble is so very annoying, and continually rapes my brain when I least expect it (damn you, B&N, damn you!); Leona Lewis is the worst guilty pleasure ever; I think a murderer tried to pick me up downtown on my way to the library today; Sirius has finally hit his "sleeping" phase; my surprise Birthday party for Lillian was successful, but I need to get the pictures from her camera still; we get to see Natasha Bedingfield for free this weekend; oh, did I mention that finals suck?; Bella's new missile-proof Mercedes is made of win; Shannon's Italy picture updates are thrilling; I can't wait for it to be Winter again; you'll never read this, but: I pick you; three more freaking days of this hell.

Indecisive should be my middle name. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. I feel like Bella Swan, and it makes me want to smack myself. Hard.

All this ridiculous indecision has led me to do something I would normally never do. I'm going to share. This is my first time sharing this work with anyone, outside of my writing-buddy and eventual first reader Shannon (thank you, darling).

( MOST OF YOU KNOW I'M WORKING ON MY FIRST NOVEL... )

I also have to mention the new KStew and RPattz interview that we got for MTV's Twilight Tuesday today. If you haven't watched it, go do so right now because it is hilarious. I almost get the impression that they went into this interview claiming they were going to flat out lie about certain things, because otherwise her bleeped out "fuck you" that results in his delighted, giggly "oops" makes no sense whatsoever. She watches him so closely when he goes to answer... something was up they day MTV did this series of interviews. She watches him so closely throughout the entire interview, in fact, that she finds it necessary to pick something out of his teeth. Really now, KStew?

p.s. I have finally gotten a new layout.