kades

HOLLOW FEAR

2009-09-10T03:22:55Z

I don't want to be afraid to do anything. Ever.

But sometimes I am.

There's so much coming my way this year: good and bad and everything in between. My life takes a permanent change after this year. It's so much different than high school, where I graduated and moved on to more schooling. Now I'm supposed to move onto the Big Life and Careers and Marriage and somehow turn out successful in it all... It's this gigantic vortex of unknown that keeps getting harder and harder to plan ahead for.

The solution to the change is pretty easy. It's what I've always done before: follow my heart, trust my impulses, and let the rest of the chips fall as they may. But I still get completely wound up in the anticipation of what's to come sometimes, and all the things I can't plan for seem too big too process. It feels kind of like taking a giant inhale of air, capturing it in my lungs and weighing it with my feelings before letting it all out at once in one great gust. And I guess that's all it is, really—moving forward. One giant breath, letting it out, and then taking another... pulling in all the positive and releasing all the negative again and again.

Now if I could just invent some outlet to channel all this pent-up anticipation before it corrodes my brain.

THE PART CALLED COMING HOME

2009-07-13T05:16:54Z

I’ve been on such extreme blogging hiatus that coming back is a little daunting. OK, that’s a lie— it’s actually pretty exciting, but the task of filling in all the blanks I’ve left in this journal since I romantically jetset off to France for a couple months makes me anxious.

I’m just going to come right out and say it: France sucked.

Every reader who's not a student at Savannah College of Art and Design will find that depressing, probably a bit surprising, but generally acceptable. Any reader who is a SCAD student is (guaranteed) currently staring at their screen in open-mouthed, abject horror because every— and I mean every— student that has done the Lacoste off-campus program claims it to be the “best experience of their, like, whole entire life.”

Half of their claim is true— it was an experience, and I’ll go so far as to say that half of it was enjoyable. But there was another half— a deep, dark, secret half that yearns for the blood of the innocent— that downright sucked.

I’m not in the mood to hash out (or willing to maliciously bore you with) all the details that made my stay in France a gigantic heaping portion of Fail, so I’ll skip ahead to the part where my life started to bring me home again:

I was flying on a plane by myself. It was the first time I’d ever flown alone, and to make the experience as traumatic as possible, I choose to lose my solo-flight virginity in a non-English speaking country. I got there too early, waited in line for the wrong ticket desk, used the wrong French word to order my breakfast, and spent two hours spread across a cushionless airport bench drumming the beat to Lady GaGa songs on my breastbone while French suits stared apathetically at me from across the waiting area. I fidgeted, checked my gate number a thousand times just to make sure one more time that I was in the right spot, and waited with all the anticipation in the world.

I was going to meet my best friend. More importantly, I was going to meet a shining beacon of the love and normality I’d left in America.

The entire flight, I clutched my fingers around the tattooed heart on my chest trying, as I had been for the last two months, to squeeze out some of the love I’d placed in there before making the 5,000 mile journey. I prayed for us to meet up safely— for everything to go smoothly (unlike the previous entirety of wreckage known as my France experience), and when we finally met up, I felt safe for the first time in months.

We made our way together across Europe, literally cheering as we left France for the United Kingdom (read: English Speaking Countries, thank god!), and once we’d had enough, we accomplished what I’d been most looking forward to: we flew on a plane that landed in the United States of America.

In the first weeks back, I shed all remaining symptoms of French depression and learned how to live my life again— how to be the me I couldn’t seem to dig out in France. I hugged people I truly loved, slept in a bed that didn’t bruise me, returned to Savannah, fully enjoyed driving a car again, ordered food in English, laughed with friends… I felt that piece of me that had been missing the last three months slide back into place, and smiled again.

There's nothing like coming home.

PERSONAL BRANDING

2009-03-25T02:27:40Z

So, for anyone that doesn't know: I'm finally inked. Two more photos of it under the cut.

It's permanent. They tell me it never comes off. I've been talking about getting it done for years now, so I guess it's really strange and sort of surreal that it's there every morning when I wake up. But I love it; I love what it represents in my life, and how something so small can encompass a feeling so infinite. I've realized that talking about it with others really makes me uncomfortable though, because it is something so personal, and I feel like no explanation I could verbally give will ever make them fully understand. I don't know, it's weird.

That was taken the night of, when it was still pretty gory. Ouch.

This one was taken the day after, when the bandages came off, so it's nice and scabbed over... mm.

I found this quote today; I can't get over how me it is:

"Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understands, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not."

One more day left in America. ... Yeah.

SECRET WORLDS

2009-03-15T15:57:51Z

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All the people of the world. I mean everybody, no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world, but hundreds of them, thousands maybe.”

ON THE WAY OUT

2009-03-14T21:03:40Z

89.75

the grade i got in Graphic Studio I, allowing me to miss an A by .25%

screenshot of my final project for Web Design: a graphic portfolio for yours truly

12

the number of days until i finally get out of savvy to live in france!

necklace from VerreEncore that i am super excited to get in the next week and wear all over France. very me, yeah?

105

the number of photographs i currently have on flickr. really proud of myself.

the book i've recently fallen in love with.

0

the number of items i have currently packed for my stay in France. ... yikes?

the new and improved instant orgasm.

James Morrison

who i've been listening to non-stop for the last two weeks. love, sweet love.

proof that living in savannah really can be hell on earth... (no, it isn't shooped, this really happened)

the blog i'll be keeping while i'm in France. please bookmark it if you're interested; i won't be posting France updates here.

tourists

the people i'm currently wishing would fall into a pothole...

WHEN IT COUNTS

2009-02-24T14:43:10Z

"It doesn't count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It doesn't count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It doesn't count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you.

It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end and you've still got a long way to go.

That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most."

I wish everyone in the world could figure this out. I wish a lot of things for a lot of people lately. Mostly I wish I were in France already, waking up to mountains and thousand-year-old buildings. Thirty more days to go...

SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY

2009-02-15T04:06:01Z

It's not about smitten couples. It's not about solitary singles. It's not about cards or flowers or candy hearts. It's not even about Saint Valentine (who you may be surprised to find you know nothing about).

It's just about love: the love you give to other people— any creature tall or small— and the love you give to yourself.

You, my valentine, are loved.

CART KARMA

2009-02-09T04:32:12Z

A woman stopped me in the parking lot on my way into Fresh Market today. She was halfway to the store herself, pushing a cart that was making a god-awful amount of noise. When she caught sight of me, she stopped, and asked if I would take the cart inside for her. "I'm just too lazy," she said. I shrugged, took it from her, and kept walking. I just assumed that she had mistakenly thought I was an employee or something on accident. I took the cart inside, grabbed what I needed and left.

Twenty minutes later, I'm across the street in the main lobby of Publix (where I can actually afford to buy groceries), desperately trying to pry a cart away from the rest with absolutely no success. As all mature, functioning adults of society would, I got pissed off and gave the cart I was trying to remove a really good kick. It shook, rattled, and then... nothing happened. Whoa, shocker there! I was just about to do something really drastic and most likely embarrassing when a man coming out of the store said, "Here, take this one." He unloaded his three (literally, I counted) items out of the cart and rolled it toward me.

It was such a simple equation: help someone, someone helps you.

WORD TO THE WISE

2009-01-18T19:55:15Z

“Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don’t want drama, then don’t talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them.”

THE WISHING WELL

2009-01-15T04:45:51Z

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I have a thousand wishes, and I'm really just praying the one that is you comes true.

FINDING HAPPINESS

2009-01-08T03:13:28Z

Consideration for today: "What is it that makes you happy?"

It sounds like a stupid question. The average person can usually fish a generic answer out of their butt, like "laughter" or "good sex" or "chocolate cake," and they're passable answers, but they avoid delving into the deeper edge of just what makes them, as an individual, spark from the inside out. They lack the detail, the why and how. When we're kids, everything is new, so discovering what makes our hearts content is a natural curiosity we write off as growing up. Once we're grown, we stop questioning, we get bogged down under frivolous fears, house chores, heartbreak, diets, jobs we hate, and guilt, and just like that, our vision of the world shifts.

I see most of the world mourn that loss without realizing it. They're always too busy to notice the person they began as slipping away. The shift happens too gradually, like water smoothing over stone. They change from boulders to pebbles, no less significant, smoother and more attractive, but lacking the grandeur of the world tucked into their memories. They look back at the best time of their lives as something lost, something that went away, when no loss occurred at all outside of a few simple changes.

When I was a kid, I loved being outside. I liked catching things: bugs, fish, lizards, butterflies, because once I caught them, I could get up close and see the details. I liked little things, like Barbie shoes and earrings and tiny figurines. My favorite meals were anything consisting of pasta and some type of cheese. I loved being with my parents. Making my friends laugh was a sense of pride for me. I really enjoyed coloring books. All these things made me happy.

I still love nature: national parks; the way the rain sounds at my parent's house, drumming down on the skylights and filtering through the branches; the organic shapes and textures it produces, bird sketches, and the patterns that comprise birch bark; cold, crisp winter days; fresh tangerines. I love exploring and photographing new places, the process of putting my make-up on, the smell of paperback novels, eating raw cookie dough and feeling the way the sugar grits in my teeth. Wet paint all over my hands, dripping, bright and wet. Gemstones, moonlight, reading in the bath. Fantasy stories, the cat curled up against me when I wake up during a nap, hardwood floors, victorian accents, laughing at my Dad's puns and corny jokes and the way my Mom absentmindedly pets me while I'm close to her. Imogen Heap's voice, British accents, spaghetti, the way my car adjusts the volume with my speed. Attending an art college where your professors constantly reinforce that if you're not doing what you love, you're not doing anything at all. Typography: serifs, old style, the font Georgia, perfect kerning that sings right off the page. My best friends, the way we lose our filters when we're together and share the real things, the true things, swapping stories and making memories that will become the stories of our lives when we're at the end. Bokeh, fruit juice, earrings, eyelashes, trinkets, antique postcards, and art prints. These all equate to my definition of happiness; this is what it is that makes me happy.

SPARKLING REPLACEMENT

2009-01-07T02:39:03Z

We're getting a new dishwasher!

The full story: We were having some issues getting the thermostat to work, so my roommate called in the maintenance guy. He fixed the thermostat temporarily, and will replace it completely when he comes to replace the dishwasher. He said they're both just very old, and need to be updated (which we fully agreed with like springy little bobble heads). He also got the heat working; the pilot light just needed to be lit. So now we have heat... you know, now that winter is basically over...

And just for laughs, I think you guys should know that when the maintenance man investigated why our dishwasher, or The Beast, as we like to call it, was making that god awful noise when it ran, he retrieved a tupperware that looked like a dinosaur had gnawed on it, and a porcelain teacup handle out of the main component where the washer spins. I'm pretty sure at that point he thought he had fixed it because he smiled, and said, "Well, that might be the problem..." He closed the mouth of The Beast once more, set it to run, and sure enough, it continued to make that wretched scraping noise. The smile came clean off his face and landed on ours. "That's a problem," he said. "This'll need to be replaced." I could have hugged him.

Other than the sparkling clean dishes now shining into our future, life has been all buttercups and dandelions again. Winter quarter is officially in full swing. I cut my hours drastically at work after learning my lesson that working full-time on top of full-time school is a death wish, so I'm only working two days (averaging about 15 hours). I'm in two higher level graphic design courses and Speech and Public Speaking online. Yes, you read that correctly: online. I'd always planned on putting the stupid class off until senior year in hopes that I'd be so dazzled by the light at the end of the tunnel that it would lighten the pain of taking the wretched, horrible, no good, really bad class. But scheduling made things difficult, and one way or another, the universe forced me into taking it this quarter. I only have to give two public speeches. I think I can handle that.

Under eighty days until I'm living in France. I still can't believe that sentence is fact, and not fantasy.

PREPARE THE HANDBASKET

2008-12-20T07:38:27Z

At work today: I'm right in the middle of shelving a v-cart of about fifty new-release YA books, when an old lady comes up behind me.

Old Lady: Do you know where the Twilight books are?
Me: They're right behind you.
Old Lady: Have you read them?
Me: Yeah, I've read the whole series.
Old Lady: You're going to go to Hell.

And then she just turned around and walked away.

SUMMER LETTERS

2008-12-09T07:34:28Z

Sometimes, when I get really down, I get on the computer and watch old videos of all my friends together, or read e-Mails we sent back and forth while apart for long periods of time. It never fails to make me laugh, or at the very least, smile.

I want to share a little (and archive it in the process). Under the cut is summer 'letters' between my roommate (who was a few hundred miles away at camp at the time) and me (writing from a myriad of places, but mostly stuck in the SAV working). Enjoy. More importantly, laugh (because, yes, we really are that silly at twenty years old).

Lillian-Marie | July 19 at 3:28 pm
So, has a bill come for me from Allstate by any chance? I know its due the 27th, but since it's the first one I don't have an account number yet so I'll need to wait for the bill. And, could you let me know what checks are for what things? Thank you dear.

How's life? I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages. You should send me an update on things...if you aren't too busy. :D Miss you.

Me | July 19 at 5:37 pm
There is an Allstate bill for you, I think. I put all your mail in your room on the corner of your bed. There's a bunch of like magazines and stuff for clothes.

If you're wanting me to mail it for you, though, it's going to have to wait, as I'm not there again until the 28th.

Things are going really well. Chilling on Sanibel right now. Looking forward to an entire day with Sean in Fort this week--miss that kid! Sean and Eli broke up again, but apparently Eli is still coming to Savvy when they come up before school, so we'll still get to see him. I got to go to lunch with Shans for a few hours just after I got into Titusville. It was supposed to be like a two hour lunch, I think we were there for almost four, but, god, it was nice. Can't wait to be stuck on a train with that bitch for 21 hours, seriously. She's halfway through Havemercy now, and the conversations we had were so funny. Cannot wait for Breaking Dawn convos on the train. Only 14 more daaaaaaaaaaaays! :) Still don't know whether I'm working the stupid thing or not, lol. Oh, and Mal and Ben are back from Argentina, so I get to see them a little bit before I leave for Maine. All going well. There's a lot more... not so good stuff, I guess, but it's kind of a face to face conversation, so it'll have to wait.

p.s. my hair is ridiculously short, and you'll probably be like, "OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO?" but it was an accident, I swear.

Lillian-Marie | July 21 at 11:25 pm
YOUR HAIR! Do you have a picture? Did you accidentally cut it off in a sleep-induced haze from being overworked by Barnes? Oh, btw, I need to know exactly what days you are going to be back in the apartment, so I can send your present while your home, and some bum doesn't steal it because it sat outside too long. I pre-ordered Breaking Dawn today. I really didn't want to, but I didn't want it ruined for me so I bit the bullet. It helps that it was much cheaper on Amazon then it is in stores. If I can't access the account through the internet or the phone, then I'll have to have you send it in when you get back.

I miss you, but I kind of don't want to come back. Life is so much simpler here at camp, and I'm dreading the "return to the real world" bit. le sigh. I also think I broke my ribs on the slip-n-slide. Srsly. I'm getting to old for this shit. It's rather depressing.

Anways...enjoy the island. And Maine. I'll write again soon. Maybe even a real letter. Like, on paper....with a stamp.......♥

Me | July 22 at 12:58 am
My hair. Ohhhh, my hair. I scheduled an appointment at JW to get it done before I went on vacation. I wanted something cute to go with my new suit. IDK, it seemed like a good idea. I didn't have the money to dye it or anything, so I just told her to spruce up the layers and not cut straight across like she did the last time.

She cut straight across like she did the last time. And I lost about four inches of length.

So when I was home for that one solitary day that I had lunch with Shannon, I went to a salon in Titusville and was like, "Um, this is fucked up and not what I wanted, can you pls be fixing this nao?" And the stylist was like, "Oh, girl, yes. Let me make you look cute." Which, looking back on it, should have been a sign I was in for more trouble but, you know me, I'm very trusting and optimistic.

It's still cut straight across. But now it has these funky, choppy snippity-snip layer pieces all around. They can't technically be called layers, because they don't technically resemble anything like layers. I mean, if I was going for a very rough, punk edge look, she would have been right on. So... yeah. I have very strange side bangs and snippity-snip layer pieces.

Tune in next week for the next episode of Hair: Attack Of The Scissors.

Pre-ordering Breaking Dawn was probably smart. You will save money (although, you should have at least pre-ordered through B&N. My company loyalties aside, you have a membership that would have saved you 40%). I can't believe it's only eleven days until. When you get back and everything is back to some state of normalcy, I have this amazing fic to give you that you will love because I am obsessed and we know what it means when I am obsessed with things: epic win.

How about you not break your ribs on slip-n-slides. That's a very silly way to die. "How did Lillian die?" "She slipped... on a slip-n-slide..." All of that reminds me of Dane Cook: "Yeah, would have been great if Dad had thought to check for rocks before he laid it down. Slip And Bleed From The Annnuuuuuuussss they should have called this ride."

I like paper. And I like stamps. :)

Lillian-Marie | July 22 at 3:20 pm
I love you.

And my BN membership is up, so I'll have to renew i hen I get home, hence, Amazon for the win.

And, I think I was in some sort of sleep induced haze when I wrote hte last message, because I love camp, but when the end comes, I will be totally up for some normal. lol

Apparently I didn't break my ribs, but rather worked my "obliques". Meaning: You can get a six pack from the slip-n-slide. Now that's my kind of exercise.

Your poor hair. Maybe you should try my stylist at the JW, I've never had a problem before.

What's the name of the fanfic? I have time to read on my long leaves when I stay up till 1 in the morning just because I can.

Paper and stamps coming soon. And you didn't tell me when you'll be home. Maybe I'll just let the bum have your birthday present.

Me | July 22 at 6:42 pm
OMG LET ME RENEW YOUR MEMBERSHIP.

Whew, ok, got that out of the way. It was coming. You knew it was coming. But it's out there now. So I can go back to normal, non-hysteric breathing.

I am pretty sure I need to get a new stylist. But I'm not sure my calling is at JW. It'll be a smack in the face to the woman who was cutting my hair if I switch, and I'd feel guilty every time I went in there. There's actually a place of Whitaker that looks pretty nice. I meant to stop in there and pick up a "menu" before I left.

Anyways, now I leave for good food. Ta!

Lillian-Marie | July 24 at 10:11 am
YOU STILL DIDN"T TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE AT THE APT SO I KNOW WHEN TO SEND YOUR PRESENT!!!!!!

EPIC FAIL!!!

Are you avoiding answering it on purpose?

And of course you can renew my membership. I wouldn't have it any other way :D

Me | July 24 at 12:06 pm
OMG SCANDAL. No, I just forgot. I don't know when I'll be at the apartment. I suggest sending it be there on the 31st-ish, or maybe after the 8th, when we get back.

YAY.

Me | July 29 at 11:56 pm
SO! I got back home tonight.

There is all kinds of news to be telling you, madam.

First off, big big news: our apartment is no longer managed by Mopper Stapen. The building was bought out and has new owners that I haven't spoken to yet, but their letters seem nice! :) The new owner's name is Kathryn. This means we no longer have to deal with asshole James! It also means that we probably have to sign a new lease. All kinds of fun. Weeeoooooo. Oh, and also: our neighbors moved out (not the lawyers, other side).

Second: the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince trailer came out today. I am guessing you haven't seen it yet, so I won't spoil anything.

Surprisingly, the HBP trailer is NOT the most scandalous thing that has happened in Fandomland while you've been gone.

No, no, no, no. The Twilight fandom has exploded. Exploded actually doesn't even cover it. I have laughed so hard in the last 24 hours that I can't even begin to cover it. Someone spoiled the entire plot of Breaking Dawn. And if it's not a joke or a fantastic, glorious prank (which it's looking like it is actually a true leak, they have pictures to prove and everything)..... Stephenie Meyer may actually have to fear for her life. I am not kidding. I think people will burn the books. Shannon wants to burn her book and make smores. idk, idk, idk. I am still 100% hoping that the spoiled content is a terrible terrible joke. Because if not...... lets not go there yet. I'm still in denial. Everyone is making fun of me because I REFUSE to believe that the spoilers are true. It can't be real. It just can't. Can't. CANNOT. OK? PRAY TO GOD OR JESUS OR BUDDHA OR YOUR AUNT FANNY THAT IT IS A BIG FAT JOKE!

Anywho, I got the midnight party shift for the Breaking Dawn release. We have nifty shirts to wear and everything. Can't wait to see how many people come in and spoil it for everyone else (which it won't matter, because to be quite honest, no one will fucking believe them until they actually read it for themselves).

Michael gets here tomorrow. Shans should be here a little before my shift starts on Friday. We leave Saturday morning at the Breaking of Dawn (HAHAHAHA) to read Breaking Dawn and we're seriously afraid that we're going to be laughing so hard, they will kick us off the train. Or crying. idk, I am laughing now, but I think when I actually read it.... if it's true... I will cry real tears. On my birthday. PLEASE SMEYER DO NOT RUIN MY BIRTHDAY I WAS TRUSTING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

That's enough of this saga. Work tomorrow. I miss the beach already. :(

Lillian-Marie | July 30 at 9:43 am
I heard that a bunch of stuff was leaked, and have decided to refrain from going near any fandom sites until my copy comes because I don't want anything ruined. So far so good, and it helps that I won't be near a computer for a bit so the temptation won't be too much of a problem. Although, I did see a comment about vampire babies, but I am going to pretend that I didn't. I'm going to try and find the HBP trailer. I didn't realize it came out.

New owners....that's actually rather exciting. Maybe we can get them to fix our piece of shit appliances...new dishwasher anyone? I hate Mopper-Stapen.

You're birthday present will probably come some time after you get back from Maine. I'm still waiting on one more thing to get here, so that I can assemble it all and send it to you. So, ow you have something to look forward too:D Have an awesome time!

I got promoted. I don't think I've said anything about this yet. They made me the Junior Linehead, which means I am in charge of all the campers and counselors on the Junior Line. Craziness... I've also dealt with more critters than one more should have to handle these past two nights. Two nights ago it was a copperhead snake in front of the girl's cabin, which is the second most poisonus snake in the region here. That was awesome..lol And then last night, there was a spricket in bed with me that someone had to kill for me because I freaked out. Then there was a frog in the bathroom. And then a wolf spider hatched thousands of babies in the counselor hut, and they sent me to deal with it armed with hornet spray and a plastic bag. And then there were skunks in the dining hall. Ridiculous I tell you.

I'm going whitewater rafting tom. which I am super pumped about. I also haven't had campers this whole week, theyy don't come till Monday, so it's basically like one big long break. Awesome...I love it. haha

Anyhoo...I miss you. Enjoy Maine....I think I'm going to try and call on your birfday if I can get some blasted signal. Love you!

Me | July 30 at 12:36 pm
Oh, the vampire babies......... I'm going to start crying now. Please, SMeyer, please, please, please, I beeeeg youuuuu...... I've stopped laughing. My mantra (and Shannon and Michaels and every other fangirl in the area) is now: It's all a hoax. It's all a hoax. It's all a hoax.

Michael gets here today, by the by. He's been texting me all morning because he's stuck in the Atlanta airport. I'm so excited to have him and Shanners at the release... omg, I swear, the first thing I am going to do when that damn box opens is flip to the back of the book and either take a large sigh of relief or go OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! rofl! Oh, Jesus Christ, I'll probably get fired, but oh well. I WANT TO KNOW GOD DAMN IT. I'm going to be one of the first people in Savannah to touch Breaking Dawn when it's released. IS THAT NOT KICKASSERY? :) :) :)

No, seriously. I love the fandom just for this. I mean, look at all that I have written about TWILIGHT DRAMA, rofl. Oh, it is loooove!

Sirius will be really pleased to see you when you get home. I think he's quite tired of me ditching his ass to go and see the world. Oh. and we almost lost Seabiscuit. When I got home, he wasn't doing so well, but this morning he is all bright and perky and "HELLLOOOOOOO FEEEED MEEEEEH BABAAAAY!" so I assume he is back to normal. That, or those acting classes he took back in the day are paying off again. idk, idk.

I like these critter stores. You need more. You should find a magical whale when you go rafting that blows rainbow glitter through its spout. Imagine! Oh, but seriously, spiders = yuck. And wtf is a spricket?

PRESENTS AND PHONE CALLS, YAY! :)

Me | July 30 at 2:10 pm
Someone just posted the first seven chapters.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of the fandom exploding in outrage.

WAY TO GO SMEYER. WAY TO GO. She's going to need to hire a bodyguard, poor dear.

Lillian-Marie | July 30 at 9:59 pm
1. Amazon just sent me an email saying that do to the high numbers of pre-orders, they are now going to do Release Date Delivery. Ergo, I will get my copy on Saturday if they can find the camp..lol SUPER EXCITING!

2. Why the hell do people do things like that? Srsly, I don't understand the thought process behind it.

3. If I had been drinking juice when I read the bit about the magical whale that spouts rainbow glitter, I think it might have come out of my nose. Thanks for that..I seriously needed it tonight. I'm very grumpy.

4. A spricket is a half spider, half cricket. It looks like a cricket and acts like a cricket, only it has lots of legs just like a spider. DISGUSTING I TELL YOU! There was another one tonight that jumped out from under my bed. I was NOT happy.

5. Seabiscuit will never die. I think, that when the end comes, he will just mutate into some sort of sea monster that will have to live in the toilet.

6. This whole new owner thing...is our rent going to change or anything? I'm not quite sure I understand what is going to happen.

7. I don't think I have anything else to say, I just wanted to add another number..lol

Me | July 31 at 12:11 am

1. I'm imagining the UPS man trying to find you at your camp, hiking through rocks and spiky pines and grizzly bears to find you. That's kind of amazing. I hope it happens. It would make an excellent story, to be sure.

2. I don't know why people do it. I didn't read it all. I only skimmed to fact check the spoilers.... my denial has ended. I can't deny it any longer... spoilers are so very, very sadly true. That fic Citizen Erased will forever stand as my true Breaking Dawn experience.

3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

4. Disgusting. Just... yuck. Disgusting.

5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH MY GOD. IMAGINE! "I'm just gonna use the loo--" "OH MY GOD, NO PETE, DON'T---- Oops, too late. Ah, well. Seabiscuity Monster was hungry anyways."

6. I have no idea. I'm not quite sure I understand either. I worked today, so I didn't get a chance to call. Speaking of work, I got to work side by side with ******** tonight. :) :) :) :) :) My obsession isn't getting any healthier, to be quite honest. I think its getting worse...........

7. Avocado.

8. I had to make it even because I'm superstitious. :)

Me | July 31 at 3:36 pm
There is a crew guy here. Of his own accord. I did not call him. He just magically appeared, took the front door off its hinges and started sanding it. He's also going to fix the doors upstairs, weatherstrip the front and back door, fix the toilet, and get someone to come fix the hot water heater.

So far: New Realty: 1, Mopper Stapen: -1 Failpoint.

Lillian-Marie | August 1 at 9:51am
Did you tell them about the dishwasher and the stove? I'm really nervous they are going to either make us move out or bump up our rent.

When Seabiscuit mutates, we can invite over people we don't like and tell them to use the toilet. It's sort of like Sweeney Todd, only we are going to use them as fish food rather than meat pies.

Last night was Spricket #3. I'm mass genociding them on a day by day basis.

I will be calling you on your birthday because I have leave that night. When will you be available?

I'm scared about BD now. It sounds horrible, and I don't even know what the spoilers are..lol Oh well. What can you do.

I got an email today from Amazon. They are publishing the Tales of Beedle and the Bard and have started offering it for pre-order. Sweet deal...sweet deal...

I love avacados.

Me | August 11 at 12:54 am
um, sending you what I sent my parents, because you will be as awed by this as they will:

Yeah, I'm so over-the-top excited right now (but it's 1 am) so I figured I'd e-Mail you guys instead of waking you.

So, the universe paid me a visit tonight. I'm walking along, happily shelving strays and thinking about (what else) marrying ******** (I know, I know, the infatuation is getting bad) and then out of the corner of my eye, I catch an entirely new set of books in the Reference section. 'BOOK PUBLISHING'---bright, bold, and white---practically jumps out and assaults my retinas. Immediately I hit the brakes (and therefore lose half the stack of books in my arms into this poor old Indian man with a cane, but no matter), quickly arrange my stack of strays along accompanying shelves, and grab the book. I bought it about ten minutes later.

I am only ONE chapter in and already I am so impressed with my choice (and myself!) because I have learned so, so, so much of this stuff working at Barnes and Noble---and it makes me proud to say that B&N is continuously listed as a source in this educational career reference. :) What a good decision on my part! But I've also learned that I definitely want to go into commercial publishing (I think I kind of already knew this, but just didn't know the correct term for it). And, fun fact for you guys, what funds most of commercial publishing is actually celebrity written books. Even though they have no literary value (I kind of laughed when the book admitted that... yikes), they bring in so much money that it gives the publishing house the money to splurge on new and coming authors. Isn't that COOL? Maybe you already knew this, who knows, but I think it's amazing. This book also had a HUGE list of major publishing houses all over the US and talks about how while NYC is the main artery, you can make it living in other states (good to know (North Carolina seems to be a big one, closely followed by California (no surprise there, right?))). It also has a very nice section on the Design department of publishing (I made sure before I bought it), and tons of info on how to write a cover letter and resume for getting internships and job offers, etc etc etc.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE.

Me | August 11 at 10:09 pm
Love you.

I'm glad that you are on the right track.

Ps. You're birthday present should be mailed tom.
Pps. I am coming home on the 16th, not the 15th.

I wish you weren't back at work, because it would be so amazing if you came up here for the weekend. It's only a 5 hour drive, and we could go antiquing... :(

Lillian-Marie | August 11 at 10:17 pm
I WANT TO GO TO THE PSYCHIC TOO! Can you wait for me?

Me | August 12 at 12:17 am
OMG NOW I WANT TO QUIT MAH JOHB AND DRIVE TO NORTH CAROLYNUH!!!111!! SRS BSNS, OK?

No jokes. Ugh, but I swear, if I take even another DAY off, I will never hear the fucking end of it. Paula is giving the guilt trips to the vacation kids SO BAD right now. I don't know what she expects... we're college kids--duh!

I really hope I'm getting a raise sometime in the near future. My review is in October. I've been working so, so hard. I feel like I deserve it. I have full time hours this week, ok. Raise nao, pls and thnx.

As for the psychic.... you won't be here for another FOUR days! :/ And I kind of was going to go tomorrow (today). How about this, if my errands take too long tomorrow and I don't get the time to go, I will wait for you. Otherwise, I'm going, and I'll just have to take you when you get home. I think I'm going to go to the one on River Street, that was quiet and shushed us out that one time. I'm nervous. What do you say when you go in? "I want to know my FUTURE!" seems kind of lamesauce...

CAN YOU JUST COME HOME NOW, Y/Y?

p.s. PRESENT = YAY.
p.p.s. love you, too. ♥

Lillian-Marie | August 12 at 4:38 pm
Hahaha....I go back and forth with the psychic thing. I mean, on one hand, you want to ask lots of questions....yet...if they really are psychic, shouldn't they be able to tell you what it is that you're there or, even if you don't quite know what that is yet? Just saying..
I hope your errands take too long....

I'm coming back on the 16th, because if I try to leave on Friday, I won't even get on the road till like 8 or 9 and I don't want to make that sort of a trip that late at night. So, I figure I'd wait till Sat. so that it's safer and I can take my time.

Paula is epic lamesauce.

Me | August 12 at 6:16 pm
I DIDN'T GET TO GO. Ugh. Long explanation later, too lazy right now. LAAAAAAME.

lame lame lame.

Me | August 13 at 10:42 am
Question? When is our water heater going to be fixed?

Ps. It was fate. It means that we are supposed to go together..lol

Me | August 13 at 11:02 am
I just sent her another e-Mail today. If she doesn't get back with me soon, I'm docking our rent next month. This is ridiculous. I am so very tired of cold showers, it's not even funny.

Me | August 14 at 10:43 pm
OK! So, I need to catch you up.

Yesterday, I get home from running errands before work, come into the house, and there are people upstairs. I'm just considering running like a girl toward my car to dial 911 when I'm greeted by a raspy, "Hey, honey!"

It was Kathryn. Duh.

She had some man up in the attic rummaging around our hot water heater. We made small talk for a bit ("Ummm, Hi...?") and then she proceeded to explain why the hot water heater has not been functioning. I hope you're sitting down. Because I got so pissed once she told me.

It turns out that STUPID ****ING RETARD JAMES (as he will now be referred to from now on) didn't feel it prudent to mention that our hot water heater runs off gas, and that it's a service we need to pay for. I swear, if I ever see him again on the street, I'm going to rip off his penis and wear it as an ugly but victorious hat. ALL THIS TIME I've been taking cold showers because he didn't tell us (and, as it turns out, three other tenants). Lamesauce doesn't begin to cover it.

As for getting it fixed, I'm not really sure what's going on. My dad's all in a tizzy because he doesn't feel we have to pay for the service, but because we haven't signed the new lease with Kathryn yet, I'm not really in a place to debate it, and we can't sign the lease until you get home, blah blah blah. I have to admit, it will be nice for you to get home so I don't have to take care of all this shit on my own on top of work. Not been very enjoyable. Anyways, she never said whether or not she's having someone come out.

In other news, they fixed the porch light out front. It's shiny and new and working.

I also mentioned to Kathryn as she and her three crew men were climbing over Garbage Pile Mountain to get out the back door that we were never given a key to the courtyard. She arched an eyebrow detailed with smoker wrinkles at me, pulled out her keyring, and proceeded to give me the one she had right off her ring. I was like, "Oh.... Oh, wow! Wait---won't you need this? I can go get a copy real quick or---" Her response? "Don't worry, honey, I got plenty."

She has plenty.

She has plenty, and STUPID ****ING RETARD JAMES couldn't spare us ONE?

Me | August 14 at 10:45pm
Personally, I say we light Mopper Stapen on fire.

Me | August 14 at 10:49 pm
p.s. Half-Blood Prince moved got moved to July.

I kind of want to cry, tbqh.

Me | August 14 at 10:53 pm
p.p.s. Did you know that Aaron is charging for his web design club/class/thing? Like.... making people pay, charging. Taking people's hard-earned money kind of charging.

Can we charge people to look at us?

p.p.p.s. Only 32 days until school.

end.

BURNT OUT

2008-12-08T07:45:18Z

when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

I hate myself today.

CHANGE, HOPE, ACTION

2008-11-05T06:24:46Z

I voted for the first time in my life today. I made history.

It's the first time in eight years that I've felt proud to be an American.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer." - President Barrack Obama

FAST FORWARD

2008-10-23T05:11:09Z

Currently, I'm pulling an all-nighter. Nothing new or unusual.

Drawing for Design is the bane of my design existence. I hate this class with every fiber of my being. With each passing project, the only thought going through my head at 4 am is if SCAD wasn't making me take this stupid shit, I could be sleeping. Healthy, normal, natural: sleeping, instead of drawing these stupid god damn perfect, even lines on god damn perfect, white paper. It doesn't help much that I go straight from class to work until midnight on zero hours of sleep.

I knew this year was going to be tough. I push myself to get the most hours at work, the hardest professors, the best grades (Dean's List for a third time would be stellar), and somewhere in the middle of all that, I go insane while I try and keep it all together.

But the end of tomorrow, that is what will make life worth living. Tomorrow night the bests get here and then bright and early Friday morning we all pile into our vehicles and drive up to Asheville, NC for a weekend of mountains, photoshoots, fancy estates, cookouts, and fall love. I've been counting down the days for three months.

Other than that, life has been as expected. Barnes has been typical Barnes, with customers as batshit as ever and employees revolting against the camera systems my manager now watches from home. Boys have been typical boys, prying their way in and leaving wreckage behind. Friends have been amazing, with movie nights, late night conversations, and pumpkin pie making. Classes have been exactly what I predicted for junior year, stressful and generally Hell on Earth. But this is it, my life, and though I seem to be living it on fast forward, I'm collecting a million good hearts and memories along the way.

p.s. I was recently featured on Explore on Flickr! I'm thrilled.

NO WORDS NECESSARY

2008-10-09T03:04:00Z

JUST LIKE THAT, IT'S GONE

2008-10-02T03:50:55Z

I am struggling.

I've been perfectly content for such a long stretch (almost a year)... I think I forgot what struggling feels like. It's depressing. Disheartening. It makes me want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, take a deep breath and pretend the rest of the world beyond that sheet does not exist.

I'm so tired of this ring-around-the-rosy bullshit. I want to jump into the field, wet my tongue, really get a taste for this career I've picked out. I want to be actually doing something, anything, other than wasting time frittering with rulers and smudge-less lines and perfection and prissy measurements. I want a good night's sleep. I want someone to listen, actually listen, to the words strung pretty in my brain instead of blahblahblahing themselves.

I want my happiness back.

UNEXPECTED

2008-09-17T03:07:21Z

The universe bitchslapped me in the face today.

Please don't get me wrong; I love the fact that I can depend on something bigger than me to direct my life along the necessary path. I couldn't be more grateful, truly.

But every once in a while, when it does things like rip my choices away from me, I want, even just for a second, to hurt it back.

Whatever, universe. You know what you're doing, I guess.

p.s. I heard you playing this song to remind me. I know, and thank you.

FAIL, FAIL AGAIN, FAIL BETTER

2008-09-13T02:12:54Z

What You're Not: dead

One Thing You Would Currently Love to Have: iMac

Your Biggest Fear: pain

Where You Want to be in Ten Years: published

Your Most Prized Possession: eyes

Your Favorite Drink: juice

Your Dream Home: victorian

Your Favorite Weather: overcast

Your Life: colorful

Your Mood Most of the Time: chipper

Yourself: inspiring

BOSTON

2008-09-09T06:21:47Z

I hope that when we're eighty, we look back on these days and smile. That we remember the happiness we shared, the moments we swapped over coffee cups and burnt out cigarettes, the way she looked dripping from the rain and the sheer joy I felt that first second the mountains came into view. I want to remember the stupid inside jokes, the crazy homeless guy, the buildings that grew on and on forever into the distance, the sound of the seagulls and the smell of the ocean lingering in the air. I want to remember you, and me, and how just for those few moments, our friendship was the most solid thing in the world. I want to remember living, breathing, seeing, being.

We've got the rest of the world ahead of us.

ONE MASSIVE PILE

2008-09-04T02:36:51Z

Things are slowly getting back to normal again. The fever, the hacking, the coughing, etc. has come and gone. I'm really convinced that, more than anything, it was a physical manifestation of what was going on within me mentally. It sucked being sick, but it's pleasing to know that I've gotten that all out of my system. I don't think there will be any major cryfests for a couple months now (but if there is, that's ok, too).

The cat has fleas. Again. Which means we have fleas. Again.

The goldfish had Christmas early today. He's been in that pathetic one gallon tank from my dormroom for ages (two years!) and it was high time that he got some love. Sirius gets new things all the time. Why shouldn't Seabiscuit? So today I bought the little lover a five gallon tank, complete with filter and bio-wheel (...intense, yeah?). I'm pretty sure he thinks he's died and gone to goldfishy heaven. His happiness is my happiness.

I've gotten really behind on my week-shares. It's not like I stop collecting the stuff in between- I just can't seem to find the time to post it quickly enough. So this will be a week-share "dump post" where I just list the entire collection in one massive pile. Hopefully I've found at least one thing that intrigues you just the slightest bit...

Moss Graffiti
I think this is genius. And gorgeous. And inspiring.

'The Planet': Alternative Motivational Poster
Cannot begin to describe how badly I want one of these prints. Powerful message and great design combined.

'Love More' by Laura George
Another great print. Another great message.

{Ack! Sorry guys, lost the link on this one!}
Last print for this post. I just think this is really fun.

New Works by Eduardo Recife
I did my History of Graphic Design study project on this guy. I think his work is brilliant. He really plays and explores in his medium, and the typefaces he creates are truly one of a kind. Check out more of his work (and his impressive resume); you won't be disappointed!

Wooden USBs
I am convinced that I would be the coolest SCAD student in this history of Ever if I had one of these.

Last night was spent at Malia and Ben's apartment, with spaghetti and lovely Billie Holiday music. We killed two bottles of wine comparing old world wines to new world wines. What a fun (and surprisingly educational) experience. Later we opened the kitchen window and Ben taught me how to smoke a pipe (there's a lot of work involved! Appreciate how easy your cigarettes are, please and thank you). The tobacco was vanilla flavored; it left the nicest, old world smell in my hair. By the end of the night, I was completely at peace with the world. Cheers to good friends who simply live and let live.

p.s. If you're bored and have nothing better to do, go to Playlist.com and search this song. I think it's pretty much impossible not to love it immediately. Newton Faulkner is going to be a classic one day, just you wait.

DETOXIFICATION

2008-08-30T20:39:30Z

I am sick.

Not just a little bit sick, either.

Full blown (through my nose, har-dee-har-har), fever, mucus, sneezing, closed throat kind of sick. I'm the kind of sick where all you can do is lay in bed and think about how sick you are.

My life has apparently taken some swan dive toward the bottom of the misery pool. I think there is a lesson I'm supposed to be learning through all of this, but I'm too sick to figure it out currently. Let me explain the happenings, and then maybe one of you can figure it out for me.

I woke up yesterday to an one-oh-one fever and a sore throat. The first word out of my mouth– before I'd even pulled the covers off– was "No!" It was a long, stretched "no" that went on as long as possible, strangled like a dying dinosaur.

I got out of bed; all of my muscles felt like goo. I got dressed. I had to get dressed: I had to go to work. I drove to work while my muscles protested against working in general, pissed about the unhealthy body temperature. I shoved my foot against the accelerator with more vicious intent that usual while I sped off toward the one place I'd never not wanted to be more in my life.

I thought I could do it, to be honest. One eight hour shift at the register and then I could go home, crawl into bed, and imitate the lifeless. Just eight hours. I could totally do it.

Five minutes into the door, my boss pulled me aside to have a "chat." This is generally not a good sign. The managers at Barnes and Noble never find the time to pull you aside and chat about how well you're doing, so if you're chatting, you can pretty much guarantee it's because you've fucked up somehow.

"We got secret-shopped yesterday," my boss said.

"Oh," I said. "How did it go?"

"Not good."

It was about this time that my sickly brain started putting the puzzle pieces together. Not good. "Not good" as in Katie, you fucked up royally. "Not good" as in we should probably fire you but you're fairly attractive and kind to the old people so we won't fire you today.

"You were shopped," my boss explained. "You didn't push the membership."

"What?"

I didn't push the membership? I always push the membership. I push the membership so much that I annoy myself. I should be elected President of Membership Pushing. I am an official Membership Pusher. I am so good at Membership Pushing, in fact, that asking unsuspecting customers if they have a membership has become second nature. "That's a nice blouse you're wearing" is now automatically followed by, "and think of how many others you could buy with what you'd save if you bought a membership at Barnes and Noble."

Ok, ok. That's a slight exaggeration. I never say the word blouse out loud. But I would, if I thought it would better push the membership.

As it turns out, my boss was exaggerating slightly (I asked about the membership, but the woman declined and I didn't berate her for it), but I didn't find this out until after the mental breakdown. After our "chat," I really tried to keep it together. I tried to ignore the fact that I couldn't walk faster than a crippled person because my muscles were seething. I tried to ignore the fact that it was really rotten luck that I'd been put at customer service that day. I tried to ignore the fact that none of the customers would ask me for help because my eyes were constantly on the verge of brimming over with unshed tears. I did try– but it wasn't enough.

When I got my break, I snatched my keys from the breakroom and made it into my car just before the first wave of OhMyGodWhyIsThisHappeningToMe? hit me. Then came the sobbing, more mucus (as if I weren't already producing enough or something), and the desperate phone call to my mother.

What I've decided, sitting in bed today, is that all the detox this week has a reason: something's coming in my life– something big– and I have to clear out every last bit of negative before I'm ready for whatever that is. My body is choosing to purge said negative in the two most efficient ways: crying and sickness, but if it works, it works, and that's all that matters.

p.s. SMeyer needs to grow up. Seriously. She's embarrassing herself.

TRUE LOVE

2008-08-27T03:56:18Z

loud purrs and a beating heart; you're my favorite

Lots of art inspiration flowing in these last few days; not quite sure what I'm going to do with it all yet. I've worked thirty-three hours this week; I am exhausted. Only twenty days until schools starts; here's hoping that new schedule/availability works out accordingly with my life. Do you ever sit and think about everything that will never happen to you?

p.s. Layout is now complete with cute background.